Commendation: Joshua Stern

Joshua Stern is commended for his apology to the SRC dorm email list, in which he responsed to complaints about an email he had sent earlier. The apology began with the following: "I extend my deepest, most sincere apologies to you all for my earlier harsh words regarding the homeless. Indeed, it was judgmental of me to assume that a gutted hobo would smell like sewage."

Commendation: Noah

Noah is commended for his "24" T-shirt designs.

Probation Alert: Dan

Dan is on so much probation for commending himself. There are certain things that just aren't done.

Commendation: Me

I am commended for successfully eating over 8,000 calories in a single day, which I spent in Kenosha, WI and Chicago, IL. I ate over 400 grams of fat, 136 grams of saturated fat, and a heroic 1400 mg of cholesterol. This included two full racks of baby back ribs for breakfast, several hot dogs at Trolley Dog in Kenosha, and the Hobo Banquet at Omega's in Chicago. (By way of reference, the recommended daily values for an athlete are 3000 calories, 100 g fat, 30 g saturated fat, and less than 300 mg cholesterol per day.)

Commendation: Commentator Of Sunday's Giants-A's Game

One of the commentators for Sunday's Giants-A's Game is commended because, when the score was 11-0, he said "Hey, did you know that Harden has a no-hitter going? I'm going for the reverse jinx."

Commendation: David Long

David Long is commended for his facebook picture:
http://stanford.thefacebook.com/profile.php?id=205390
(It's a metaphor.)

Probation Alert: Nasha

Nasha is on probation for talking on the phone to Julie for two hours.

Probation Alert: Rob

Rob is on such fucking probation for joking that the reason he was in New York was that he and Julie were having an affair. There's edgy and there's offensive.

Commendation: King of the Hill

King of the Hill (more specifically, King of the Hill creator Mike Judge) is commended for using Pink's "Respect" as Luanne Platter's pre-fight music in the episode where she becomes a boxer.

Commendation: The Detroit Pistons

The Detroit Pistons are commended for playing "The Final Countdown" during the introduction of their starting lineup.

Probation Alert: My Mom

My mom is on probation for making a dentist's appointment for me at 9 AM in Costa Mesa. That forces me to leave the house at 8 to get there. This is total bullshit.

Probation Alert: Sam

Sam is on probation for not taking Nasha to In-N-Out on the way to the airport because he was afraid she'd miss her flight. That's so fucking gay.

Probation Alert: Noah

I'm on probation for not fixing Tim's bed. But in my defense, I was waiting for Blatnik to ask for my help. And it was really funny.

Probation Alert: Noah and Dan

Noah and Dan are on probation for graduating, thereby reducing both the number of opportunities for me to play video games and the number of people who understand half the things that I say.

Commendation: Noah and Sam

Noah and Sam receive commendations for realizing that the most efficient way to deloft my bed was to break the bed frame and get a new part from storage.
Also, Noah is commended for fixing the bed after I left, assuming that he actually did.

Probation Alert: Dan

Dan is on probation for spelling it as Rissotti's when virtually any other possible spelling is acceptable.

Probation Alert: Noah

I am on probation for taking Jen and Jess to mini-golf so late that it was closed because I wanted to "eat" after playing "golf" with "Freddie."