Probation Alert: 24

I know I am doing this at great risk to myself and my family, but it has to be done. 24 is on probation for the mere thought, and moreso for the filming, of an alternate ending to season one in which Terri lives.

Probation Alert: Me

I am on probation for insisting multiple times during a trip to LA that I had never been there before and then remembering that I was in LA six months ago.

Probation Alert: Whoever writed the trivia questions prior to movies at Century CineArts at Palo Alto Square

Before viewing the quite entertaining documentary Murderball an alleged "trivia question" asked who became "brothers" in the upcoming film release of The Dukes of Hazzard. This is of course probation worthy due to the fact that Bo and Luke Duke, performed by Johnny Knoxville and Seann William Scott repsectively, are in fact cousins and not brothers. Come on CineArts...do some research.

Probation Alert: Me

I'm on probation for not folding my A-10 after the flop came A-Q-2. I totally should have known that after I went all-in against my opponent's 10-2, he would draw runner-runner clubs to win, with the river card being the queen of clubs.

Probation Alert: Sam

Sam is on probation for having this bullshit PowerBook that preserves my log-in even after all the Firefox windows are closed.

Commendation: Tim

Tim is commended for coming up with the most effective possible response, and also because I do say that.

Probation Alert: Tim

Tim is on probation for making me leave the room so he could respond without me realizing what he was doing.

Probation Alert: Noah

Look at me, I'm Noah. Even though I put Tim on probation for posting from my account, I was dumb enough to leave my account open for him to do it a second time.

Probation Alert: Tim

Tim is on probation for indicating that just because he said one thing he couldn't have been "suggesting" another (which he was), and is on probation of the highest order for posting from my account. Not only could this expose me to probation on the grounds that I put myself on probation in the third person, but it could also lead Tim to try to pull some bullshit where he puts me on probation for leaving the window open when it is clearly his responsibility to ensure that he signs in as himself before each session. I have no affirmative obligation to close the window, and I may have led the horse to water, but I didn't make him drink.

Probation Alert: Noah

Noah is on probation for putting me on probation for "suggesting" that the original "toppings" probation was not valid because it was verbal, even though I specifically said I was not drawing that conclusion. By his logic, he is guilty of "suggesting" that the probation was posted in the blog by mentioning it. He is also on probation for accusing me of starting a "media circus" simply by making a perfectly valid post regarding his mistakes. He is also still on probation for those mistakes, and on serious probation for starting a media circus in an attempt to distract from that fact.

Probation Alert: Tim

Tim is on probation for suggesting that just because the probation was not recorded on the blog, it is not valid. This does injustice to all of the probations metered out prior to the blog's inception, and falsely assumes a statute of limitations on the transfer of a verbal probation alert into written record. He is also still on probation for messing that quote up, and on serious probation for starting a media circus in an attempt to distract from that fact.

Probation Alert: Noah

Noah is on probation for claiming that I was on probation for the topping quote, even though I was not the person originally put on probation for it. Also, the probation was never entered in the blog, and although I am not going so far as to say that disqualifies Noah's claim, it is at least a grey area. Noah is also on probation for putting the word "quote" inside the quotation marks.

Probation Alert: Tim

Tim is also on double probation for messing up the "but you get your choice of topping quote" after already being put on probation for it.

Probation Alert: Tim

Tim is on probation for not sending Nasha out to get the bag for him so as not to lose shotgun.

Probation Alert: David Long

David Long is on probation for supporting an illegitimate shotgun claim. In his ideal world, Tim would have sent Nasha out to get the bag for him so as not to lose shotgun, which is clearly not an outcome we should encourage. She at least has to wait for the car to be turned off or the door to be closed.

Probation Alert: Tim

Tim is on probation for complaining about Nasha's completely legit taking of shotgun. Them's the rules.

Probation Alert: Nasha

Nasha is on probation for taking shotgun when I got out of Sam's car to get something from Noah's car directly across the street.

Probation Alert: Ross

Ross is on probation for saying "Get your fat ass in the votin' booth" instead of "Get your big ass in the pollin' booth."

Probation Alert: Sam

Sam is on probation for referring to Tony Robbins as "tony rollins" in an AIM conversation (unless of course he was actually referring to Tony "Rockin" Rollins, Florida's #1 disc jockey for your wedding, party, or corporate event).

Probation Alert: Ross

Ross is on probation for misspelling Sanka Coffie (from Cool Runnings) as Saanka when talking to both Mindy and myself.

Probation Alert: Noah

I hate to add yet another probation alert upon Noah, especially at this time of night, but what must be done must be done.

Actually, I don't really hate it at all.

Noah is on probation for stating that Peter Griffin was flying on Atreyu, an egregious error since the dragon's name is in fact Falkor. Such flippant name guesswork should not be tolerated.

Probation Alert: Noah

I am on probation for being such a complete fucking moron.

Probation Alert: Noah

Noah is on probation for putting ESPN "on commendation" when he meant probation.

Probation Alert: ESPN

ESPN is on commendation for making that shitty Bryan Adams song "Open Road" the theme song of their new nationwide tour so I have to listen to it 5 times a day.

Probation Alert: Kid in Reno 911 commercial

One of the kids in the Reno 911 action figures commercial is on probation for quoting Deputy Trudy Wiegel as saying, "Which one of you niggers took the last donut?" instead of "Which nigger took the last donut?"

Commendation: Time Magazine

Time is commended for selecting the pseudonym "Marwan" for the interviewee in its article "Inside the Mind of a Terrorist."

Probation Alert: Nasha

Nasha is on probation for saying Reiko Aylesworth is 1/2 Japanese when she's only 1/4 Japanese.

Probation Alert: David Long

David Long is on probation for talking to Carly the first and fourth time that she called. This offense is especially inexcusable because one of the calls was during the last three minutes of a Bauer.

Probation Alert: Me

I am on probation for saying that Carly called David Long three times when in fact she called four times.

Probation Alert: Carly Posner

Carly is on probation for calling David Long three times while we were watching 24.

Probation Alert: Sam

Sam is on probation for spelling it "Drive Through" instead of "Drive Thru."

Probation Alert: Sam

Sam is on probation for being in denial about his own femininity.

Probation Alert: Sam

Sam is on probation for saying, "why do women have breasts?" instead of "why do women have boobs?"

Probation Alert: Nasha

Nasha is on probation for not adhering to the proper format of a Probation Alert. Her girlfriend can't get away with that shit and neither can she.

Probation Alert: Tim

Tim is on Probation because he did not follow up "guy in blue shorts"'s comment with the appropriate response of "Well, you're fucking stupid".

Probation Alert: Some guy in blue shorts

Some guy in blue shorts is on probation for saying, "Blogs are fucking stupid."

Commendation: Tim

Tim is commended for referencing "Jessica London, the catalog that sells plus-sized women's clothing."

Probation Alert: Georgia

Georgia is on probation for saying "I can't control the volume of my voice" instead of either "I'm unable to control the pitch or volume of my voice" or "I was born without the ability to modulate the volume of my voice."

Commendation: Nasha

Nasha is commended for ordering a separate pepperoni and mushroom pizza simply because I like that kind better than plain pepperoni.

Commentary: The System At Work

hangwidave: my intention was not a direct quote, ass
TunnelArmr: I know
TunnelArmr: but the probation blog is nothing if not an educational tool
hangwidave: wow...I fell into that one

Probation Alert: David Long

David Long is on probation for saying "and like you said, if nothing else, probation.blogspot.com is a learning tool." What I actually said was, "the probation blog is nothing if not an educational tool."

Probation Alert: Nasha

Nasha is on probation for commending Noah for "ripping my jacket the way The Incredible Hulk rips his t-shirts." Now I understand her reference, however she is seemingly referring to Hulk Hogan, founder of Hulkamania and The New World Order who would rip his shirt before every epic bout in the wrestling ring. The Incredible Hulk ripped his shirts by becoming angry and converting into a huge green monster of rage. I wasn't there, but my best guess is that Noah did not do that.

Plus Nasha invited and then un-invited me to play tennis.

Probation Alert: Owner of tan Escalade license plate " ILUV * TK "

The aformentioned car is a recent year escalade with 20-inch spinning spoked rims. It is driven by a middle-aged soccer mom. She was picking up her daughter from Stanford Volleyball camp. She is on probation for BEING A SOCCER MOM WITH 20-INCH SPINNERS ON AN ESCALADE.

Probation Alert: Daisy's sister

Daisy's sister is on probation for not knowing who Jack Bauer is.

Commendation: Noah

Noah is commended for getting the CTU ringtone for his phone.

Commendation: Liz

Liz is commended for quoting well for a girl.

Probation Alert: Noah

Noah is on probation for making me a probation officer. He should have remembered that I only quote well "for a girl".

Probation Alert: Tim

Tim is on probation for claiming that the 2nd season of 24 isn't good, when in fact within the first three episodes Jack shoots and decapitates a man, CTU Los Angeles is blown up, George Mason gets irradiated by weapons-grade plutonium and Kim pranks a guy with a tire iron.

Probation Alert: My Dad

My dad is on probation for naming his adult recreation-league softball team the Tom Emanski Defensive Drill All Stars. Not only is it unoriginal, it's demeaning to the real All Stars.

Announcement: New Provisional Members

I believe that it's time to introduce new moderators to the probation blog on a provisional basis (you might even say they are on probation). Such individuals must have a demonstrated ability to be conscientious and active contributors who understand the spirit of the probation system and will not abuse it. I will soon be instating and deputizing Nasha, David, and Liz. Anyone who has any further nominations please contact me. It's urgent.

Probation Alert: Nasha

Nasha is on probation for saying that she does not find Jack Bauer physically attractive.

Probation Alert: Noah

I'm on probation for almost making other plans for tonight at 9:00.

Commendation: Blatnik

Blatnik is commended for putting me on probation. That's really awesome.

Probation Alert: Dan

Dan is on probation for trying to weasel out of probation for something that we all agree is unjustified. Even Blatnik agrees, and he doesn't even know who Jack Bauer is. He is also on probation for trying to give three reasons that are all bullshit. I did not bring up the awesomeness of season 2, I merely exclaimed "YES!" to indicate that I was excited to have the best season still to watch. The burden is on Dan not to divulge information unless I explicitly say that I've seen it. There is also no statute of limitations on discretion in the handling of key 24 information. Lastly, I never claimed ignorance of the plot point. What I said was that I realized after he told me the information that someone had already told me that, but it was probably him the first time too, and I wouldn't have remembered it otherwise.

Probation Alert: Noah

Noah is on probation for suggesting that I somehow ruined his viewing of the second season of 24 by revealing a key plot point for a whole fucking litany of reasons:
1) He gave no indication to me that he had not yet seen the second season, and brought up its awesomeness without immediately cautioning me to not reveal plot details, even though he knew I had already seen it.
2) He expected his protective bubble of ignorance of this plot point to extend almost TWO YEARS after my first viewing of the second season (and more than two years after its TV debut), even though he knew I consider it to be the best season and, as a disciple of the One True Bauer, am thus inclined to talk about it.
3) He claimed ignorance of this plot point despite it having been revealed to him on at least one other occasion.

Noah is just lucky Jack Bauer isn't around to discipline his irresponsibility, or he wouldn't have any fingers left with which he could put people on probation.

And yes, three reasons is a litany.

Infinite Probation Alert: Dan

Dan is on more probation than man has ever known for divulging a key plot point of the second season of 24 unnecessarily. Even though after hearing it, I remembered someone had already told me that, I had previously forgotten about it. And regardless, it is totally unacceptable. He deserves to be put inside the Chandler Plaza Hotel, have his hand chopped off with an axe, and have a long talk with Darren Richards.

Probation Alert: Sam

Sam is on further probation for failing to adhere to standard syntax when putting himself on probation.

Probation Alert: Mindy

Mindy is on probation for hitting a bird at 70 mph while driving from Guntersville, AL to Champaign, IL. We totally could have been going 80.

Commendation: Officer Kwan

Officer Kwan is commended for not giving me a ticket.

Probation Alert: Officer Kwan

Officer Kwan is on probation for claiming I was going 50 in a 35 when I totally wasn't and then making me take a sobriety test.